Thursday, January 12, 2006

Its Great To Be A Kid Again

We have a new rule at work. One of many actually, but the others had to be scratched because they were against the labour laws - no kidding. The new rule is, if you are sick - you not only need to call a minimum of four hours ahead of your shift, but now you need to bring a note from yourself explaining why you were sick.

Myself has a problem with this. As I have grown older, I've lost the exceptional talent I had for school note writing and signing my fathers name better than a currency counterfieter. Since I've never used any where near my allotted sick time, never been AWOL and never just stayed home because I felt like it, I found the rule slightly insane. Not to mention I'm almost 60 and a grandmother.

After much thought on the matter, I've decided that - should I need to provide this silly request, I will have two options available. One is, I will asked my Mother to write a note and sign it Donna's Mommy under her name. The other is I will prepare a letter pointing out my exceptional virtues (and age), explaining the illness and sign it GOD. I could leave an old sucker stuck to the paper, wrinkle it up and dirty it in a mud puddle before handing it in.

Perhaps this is a juvenile attitude but given the circumstances...

Is There Life After Christmas

No, only dieting. You know you've eaten too much Christmas chocolate when your Doctor calls you to "talk about those sugar readings" I could hear the music from jaws playing in the background. Yes, I mean during the doctor's call and actually while I was eating the chocolate too, come to think of it.

I'ts the middle of January and I'm still Christmas shopping. And I vaguely realize there is something wrong with this picture.

I've started my new prescribed diet but knew almost immediately I needed a break. While eating my "healthy"- not chocolate food, I couldn't believe how chewy and tasteless it was. I grumbled, mumbled, chewed and then discovered I was eating the lace up tie of my sweater. Even worse, it was still attached to my sweater. I wonder how many grams of fat were in that. I'm sure more than I'm allowed. There's a lot to be said for wearing glasses while you eat. That was almost as funny as the time I ran across a large, public boat ramp on a windy day,with a whole role of toilet paper streaming out of my pants. At least this time there weren't 75 witnesses .

I never did get the tree up but did get the decorations half way out of the crawl space. They are still there as a matter of fact. Who knows, by February that tree may be completely decorated.

It's a good thing I've learned to be much calmer about these things. It's been 6 years since the toilet paper incident and I have moved so will hopefully never see those people again.

And you have to remember to avoid the Diet Saboteurs. They are the people, trained by Revenue Canada, who must lay in wait to remind you that you are overweight but bring you chocolate cakes and candy as gifts and take passive aggressive pot shots while you are dozing. Feel sorry for them. How are they to know that when you got out of the shower yesterday, you were scared half to death by an ugly, chubby, 'nekked' troll and were almost scared the other half when you realized it was you in the mirror. Everything comes to he who waits. They have to shower too.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

If this were a perfect world..

As Christmas rushes closer and I realize I'll have to go to the bank and give everyone rolls of new quarters for gifts, I start daydreaming about what a perfect world would mean...

1. If after 55, you could get a tattoo on your butt that says (in colour) "BITE ME".

2. You could show your tattoo to certain people that really drive you to the edge.

3. After someone kisses your cheek hello and shakes your hand and hugs you and then tells you they've got the flu, you could wipe them down with a sanitized handy wipe and then stuff it in their mouth.

4. You could catch that person who is stuffing the 20lb rolls of flyers in your 3 lb mail slot and give them a tattoo.

5. It was politically correct to raise your right foot and hold back a person who doesn't understand PERSONAL SPACE. You know the one, one inch closer and he's behind you.

6.It was ok to run over someone who cut you off at the speed of light and then took the only parking space for 10 miles.

7. Your Mother wasn't in the car after you just learned how to give the finger and scream four letters words at (other) idiot drivers.

8. Menopause happened to men - often.

9. Cat litter, garbage and toilets all took care of themselves.

10. You could get some one on one training time with the guy at work that finds it amusing to sneak up behind you, slam his hands down on your shoulders and yell, How are ya?

Please feel free to add any items to perfect your world.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

"Deck the Halls..."

Just finished some Christmas shopping (shudder) ...having barely escaped because I noticed a large, truck like woman with steam coming out of her ears, just in time to save myself. Luckily, the really nasty shoppers don't hit the bricks until after lunch. That little word "S A L E" can turn normal people into Christmas serial killers in the blink of an eye. There was actually a fist fight going on over "Hooker" Barbie (in a plether leopard skin outfit). I already have that outfit so I didn't join in. I actually zone right out while shopping - well, most times really, but especially during shopping.

I dropped the dog (Shit Tzu) off to get a grooming and was pleasantly asked if she would like her teeth brushed. Very polite. I told them she'd said no earlier, but they could ask her again if they liked, it would really depend on what she said. (Are we back at the x files again?).

Then I needed my fasting blood work. I think there is something basically evil about people who think coffee is really part of fasting. It doesn't matter if your coffee has 1/4 pound of sugar in it or a container of that scrumdelicious new whitener- "Hazelnut Orgasm". I've known people who thought that was a milkshake. (that's another story). I was seen 10 minutes later speed gulping at a Tim Horton's. Of course, due to previous Tim Trauma - I didn't leave the car.

The I put up Christmas lights. You'd be surprised how many four letter words you can rhyme into a Christmas Carol.

Now I'm off to get the dog. I hope she didn't tell them any tails(ha ha).

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Is this Still Earth?

Do you have times where your life seems to run parallel to the X files? A woman approaches me and asks where I get my hair coloured. Innocent enough, right? Except that my hair is grey. My mouth didn't wait for the rest of me and told her that God had done it and there was a discount for seniors. It worked out ok in the end, because as it turns out, she didn't understand my reference anyway. Then a woman at work told me I looked just like KAYU's grandmother. Thinking, "How sweet, I remind her of a native wise woman"and I wandered off feeling pleased and revered. Imagine my face when I discover that Caillou is a cartoon child who resembles a balloon with little black marks for eyes and mouth. Of course he would resemble his relatives, his grandmother having a fluff of grey hair and me having little black marks, being bags, under my eyes. I can't even go too far wondering here because it takes you to borders you just don't want to cross. On a positive note, I've never reminded anyone of a cartoon character before (if you exclude Puff the Magic Dragon during menopause). After a routine customer service call at work, the customer wished me a great holiday and told me if I wanted to earn extra cash, go to xxxx, her website. No other conversation. I (duh) take a look and it's a porn site - where you can sell nude pictures of yourself and make a little extra $$$$. How much are naked pictures of cartoon grandmothers going for now?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Is Coffee Bad For You?

Against better judgement, I agreed to meet a friend of a friend and decided on a coffee instead of a date. Tim's will never hold the same meaning since. I was greeted by someone who obviously couldn't add, because he had missed his own age by at least 15 years. He said to call him Bear. By the end of the one half hour, it became obvious that "Can't Bear" would be more appropriate. He proceded to rush right in and ask if I'd ever had a hysterectomy. (This would later become clear, it defines real women from not real women - or more importantly, girls who do it on the first (or any) date). He had the unnerving habit of rubbing his hands together while smacking his lips - I had started to wonder if I had dressed as a large Tim Horton cookie. He proceeded to pull his lips farther apart than humanly possible with his fingers to show me he had all of his own teeth and to tug his hair to prove it was real. There were faint sounds of music in the background - Deliverance! During his discourse on the wonders of him, Don Cherry couldn't have gotten a word in sideways. He advised that the women he was dating now were ok, but he liked me better - still not hearing the Hallajeujah chorus - and he was going to upgrade me (he really used the word upgrade) from Swiss Chalet to Lunch at the Casino. Here I inserted a question "Is that like biggie sizing your McDonalds order?". This is the point where it became obvious that "Bear's" ears didn't work, in spite of being the size of small plates. His response was to tell me that his back yard was so big and private, we could run buck nekked in it and no one would see. Wow "Buck Nekked!!!! Look at the time! Faster than the speed of light, he whipped out a package of photos of his dogs, which he advised he couldn't live without. I've never seen pet porn before so it was educational at best. Running for the door, I advised it was nice meeting him but we were just heading down different paths (not the one to his back yard). He ran me to my car and there tried to plant one on my cheek. I can move like greased lighting given the right impetus (a tarantula or a kiss from a Can't Bear). Otherwise it would have been hours of having my face debrided at emergency. And last, but not least. was the dog slobber encrusted, rusting, barely moving "antique car", belching black smoke and limping out of the parking lot behind me. To think, I could have travelled in that Cinerella's carriage to be publicly embarrassed by lunch at the casino to be closely followed by a buck nekked run through a local subdivision - possibly making the 11 o'clock news. My Mother would have been so proud...

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Meaning of Pain

Never let anyone tell you that the meaning of pain is childbirth. It's not. It's having your face waxed! It is bad enough to begin to look like you are your Shit Zhu's (yes, the spelling is on purpose) real mother. You cannot ever imagine the deep, fathomless hell of having that hair ripped from your skin after it has become attached to the jaw bone. Next time, I'll ask for a morphine drip. It used to be I only worried about eyebrows on my face. Now I can't see them for the crowd. I don't allow anyone to even say "Bikini Wax" within ten feet of me. Besides, it would take a week and a half to complete and I'm not sure there is even that much linen in Egypt.

I once had a good friend tell me (because only a good friend could tell you something like this), that the meaning of pain was using Tampax because as soon as you inserted them, they grew shoulders and hurt like hell.

When is a flea not a flea?

Apparently a flea is not a flea when you get them at work. We have recently experienced a rash of vicious flea bites. Management policy on fleabites is as follows "We don't have fleas". If the question is persistant, advise the employee, "It is because people eat at their desks". Apparently fleas have recently undergone a miraculous genetic change and now eat people food. Prepare yourself! These little beasts riding indoors on your dog and cat are headed for - you got it - the fridge!!! Try explaining to a true believer of 19 (that can be IQ or age), that fleas drink your blood. Ask if they've seen fleas carting off a bag of chips, or a lunch container, you'll get a blank stare and rapid blinking. " What do you think they are biting you for - so you'll throw them crumbs?" This calls for an adjustment of a T shirt so the belly button shows. I can see why it is too much for one person to believe that little insects actually bite you and live on your blood. We all know Dracula was just a movie. Some things are stranger than fiction. I must go, I'll be late for the afternoon feeding at work - today I have spaghetti. Hey does that mean we'll get Italian fleas?...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Human? Show me The Credit Card!!!!!

The other day, when I had the 7th, IT IS OUR POLICY TO GET YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER experience in a row, I reacted on the spur of the moment, advising "Gosh, no thanks. I've just recently run up some new policies myself and the Board and I have agreed we don't give credit card numbers on the phone anymore. This is covered in our manual, and is up to and including, making the Holy Appointment. I do, however, have a letter from God, which I will bring along for verification. That is unless my firm of lawyers advise that the gift certificate (prepaid, no doubt with a credit card) is genuine. Since you do not accept your own gift certificate as a valid basis to make a spa appointment, I will need to see the last three years of your audited financial statements and have a copy of your corporate credit card number for my records. Please be reminded that if this gift certificate is not valid, I will be forced to put a lien on the spa.

You may be surprised that I was not provided with the request for financial statements or the credit card number. I did get my appointment and I will probably even shave my legs before my pedicure. I probably succeeded in having "special" symbols added to my name, that identify me as a serious credit card withholder. However, I did not provide my credit card, proving to myself, that what I have in my wallet, is not someone else.

As an addendum, I received a call, not one hour later reminding me that I had a pedicure appointment next week. I still think I won.